The Embunglement of Aiur
by Glytch
Summary: Starcraft-based humor... unconventional characters... and lots of Terran-bashing! What more can I say? Still working on it, so check in occasionally for updates (yeah right).
1. Scene One

(Scene: A battleground between the Protoss and the Terran. The Protoss have just  
defeated a large ground force with a mound of zealots, led by Dezular, a Zealot  
commander. Two wraiths appear on the battleground. The remaining five zealots  
start to run.)  
Dezular: Nagatsul! Run, zealots! We have got to get to the protection of our photon cannons!  
Zealot 1: We'll never make it, Sir! We never got those Leg Enhancements!   
Dezular: Damn it! I knew I should have gone to that conference to decide what upgrades we  
needed!  
(One of the zealots falls to the ground and is killed by the wraiths.)  
Zealot 2: No! Zalbo'or!   
Dezular: See what happens when you stop running? Keep going!  
(A ghost appears out of nowhere.)  
Casper: Leave it to me. Never know what hit 'em!  
(The ghost locks down the wraiths)  
Dezular: En taru Adun, good Templar!  
Casper: What? Who is Tim Plarr?  
(The zealots stare at Casper like he is stupid)  
Dezular: *sigh* I see you're newly mind-controlled. Well, thank you for saving our lives.   
Casper: No prob, zealot-y dude!  
Dezular: (taken aback) Yes, well... (gathers his composure) How are we to destroy these villains,  
though?  
Casper: Why destroy them? They aren't gonna come after us for a while.  
Dezular: I see your sympathies still lie with the Terran!  
Casper: N–no... I just... okay, I'll destroy 'em.   
Dezular: Good!  
Casper: It's not the right Terrans anyway...  
Dezular: What?!  
Casper: Nothing! Here I go!  
(Casper pulls out a funny-looking rifle and shoots one of the wraiths, causing a  
whopping five points of damage)  
Casper: Hold on, it takes a couple minutes to reload...  
Zealot 1: That was crap-tacular.  
Dezular: (sarcastically) Oh, wow. Five points of damage. What's next, a spitball barrage?! Why  
not try putting real ammo in the gun, genius.  
Casper: What do you expect?! I'm a friendly ghost!  
(The zealots groan)  
Dezular: Grr.... Hand me the damn gun.  
Casper: Hey, wait! Your not authorized to... oof!  
(Dezular wrests the rifle from Casper)  
Dezular: Now to put some real ammo in this thing.... (looking around) Aha!  
(He grabs the body of Zalbo'or, rips his left psionic blade off, and shoves it down  
the barrel of the gun)  
Casper: Hey, what are you doing?! Hey! HEY!! I'll have you know that's delicate equipment!  
Zealot 1: Then why are there scuff marks and dents all over it?  
Casper: ...It came that way.  
Zealot 2: Yeah, right.  
(Dezular shoves the rifle at Casper, knocking him over)  
Casper: Ow! What was that for?  
Dezular: Being annoying. Now shoot that at the damn wraiths. (He points at the rifle.)  
Casper: That'll never work! It's just gonna wreck my dang gun, and I can't ask for another one  
anymore!  
Zealot 1: Anymore? What happened, did you screw up too many of them?  
Casper: Hey! That's.... classified information.  
Zealot 2: Ha ha. You did, didn't you.  
Casper: ....Maybe. But that's not the point!   
Dezular: Just shut up and shoot the damn wraiths already.  
Casper: You know, you should really stop cussin'. It's burnin' my ears.  
Dezular: *$^%*$#@&^%(@#!$@* %^)@*%&^~!!!!!!!!!!  
Casper: Alright, alright!  
(He fires the rifle at one of the wraiths, holding it as far away from him as he can,  
both eyes closed. The psionic blade flies out of the barrel toward a wraith)  
Casper: Well, what do ya know! It actually worked!  
(He gets smacked in the back of the head by Dezular.)  
Casper: Ow! Daggone son-of-a...  
(The psionic blade turns in midair, bounces off the hull of one of the wraiths  
[incidentally, it was not the one Casper was aiming at] and flies off into the distance)  
Casper: (whistles) Sucker flew pretty far... (tries to look like he had planned this all along)  
Zealot 1: Yeah, considering your gun can't smash a fly with a 3-inch caliber bullet, it WAS pretty  
impressive.  
(The zealots all snicker.)  
Casper: What?! It can too smash a fly with a.... what did you say? A 3-inch cadaver mullet!  
(The zealots all snicker again.)  
Dezular: Fool! That psionic blade went flying towards the base!  
(There is a flash of light from the direction the blade went flying, then a deafening  
noise followed by a powerful blast of smoke-flavored wind)  
Casper: Ah, crap!  
Dezular: Fool! I knew this was a bad idea!  
Casper: No, you didn't! It was your idea in the first place!  
Dezular: Nu-uh! It was your idea. Let's go!  
Casper: What- Hey! Wait for me!  
(They all run to the base, only to find it in ruins with all the probes standing  
outside them.)  
Casper: That's bad, isn't it? Ow! What was that for?  
Probe: Meow.  
Casper: Hey! I think this probe just bit me!  
Dezular: What did you do to it?  
Casper: Nothing, honest. Ow! It did it again! Ow! Ow! Hey! Stop it!  
Dezular: You kicked it, didn't you.  
Casper: No... Ow! Okay, maybe just a little, but it deserved it!  
Dezular: *sigh* How did it deserve it?  
Casper: ...It looked at me funny. Ow! (Kicks the probe again)   
Dezular: Uh-oh, now you've done it. It was just gonna bite you a couple times, but now....  
(All the probes start to gather around Casper. Blue light flickers all over his legs.)  
Casper: Ow! OW!! Zealot-y dude, help me!  
Dezular: No way! They'll attack me too!  
Casper: Ow! Ow! The agony!!!  
(A deep, god-like voice booms out from the dark orange, polluted sky.)  
Player: Probes. I command you to stop attacking that ghost.  
Probes: Meow.  
Player: I know, I know. He deserves it. But still you must stop your assault. He is a valued unit.  
(Casper tries to look cool at this comment. He half closes his eyes and smiles cockily  
around at everyone.)  
Player: Yes, even if he is extraordinarily ugly, and reeks of foul human.  
(Casper, his bubble burst, looks sullenly at the ground.)  
Player: Dezular, Casper, zealots. You are convicted of high treason. The penalty is severe.  
Why have you committed this heinous crime? Explain!  
Casper: Yo, God-person! Down here! It was an accident, dude, sir! We didn't mean to... but it was  
all that zealot-y dude's fault! I swear! Kill him, not me!  
Dezular: Liar! It was your idea!  
Player: Enough! Either BOTH you recompense for your deed, or pay the price.  
Dezular: Fine. We will accept our deaths as punishment for our treasonous crime.  
(Casper shoves Dezular out of the way.)  
Casper: No way! Shut up, zealot-y dude! I'm not about to die! God-dude, we will recompense for  
our crimes another way! How much do we need to give you? (Pulls a wallet out of a pocket)  
Dezular: Hey, that's my wallet!   
Casper: No, it's not... Your wallet is, um... Hey everybody! Look over there! (He takes off  
running.)  
(A bolt of lightning strikes next to Casper, and he jumps out of the way. He stops,  
and turns around, hands in the air.)  
Casper: Alright, alright. I'll come back.  
Dezular: And give me my wallet back.  
(Casper walks back, and reluctantly hands Dezular his wallet.)  
Dezular: Hey, there's twenty bucks missing out of here!  
Player: It is your choice. Recompense or die.  
Casper: Geez, a lot of choice we've got. Alright, how much do we owe you? All I got is twenty  
bucks.  
Dezular: Yeah, my twenty bucks!  
Player: Well, let's see... The cost of the base, plus the cost of the units lost, plus the time lost  
for having to replace the base... The total comes out to roughly 25,000 minerals.  
Casper: Geez, that's like a whole entire base!   
(Everybody except Casper groans in disgust at this crap-tacular statement.)  
Casper: How are we supposed to take that with just 4 zealots? Granted, you have ME but even I  
am not that good.  
Zealot 1: Really! Now, don't be modest, Casper. I'll bet you could take on an entire base by  
yourself.  
Casper: (Blushes) Aw, go on!  
Zealot 2: No, really! You could just blow it up with ease, and take the minerals!  
Zealot 1: I'll bet you could just dodge the bullets and walk right in!  
Casper: (Blushes harder) Well, maybe just a little...  
Zealot 2: Yeah, maybe you should go do it!   
Zealot 1: That sure would clear this mess right up...  
Casper: ....Nah, I don't feel like it.   
Dezular: No, you should! Really, there's a base right over there! Just walk right into range of their  
defenses and all our problems would be solved!  
Zealot 1: Well, ONE of 'em, anyways.  
(The zealots snicker, and even the player chuckles a little)  
Casper: Hey, you guys are pickin' on me again! God-dude, make 'em stop!  
Player: No, really, they are correct. I believe in you. After all, the smell alone would be enough to drive all the units away.  
(The zealots, delighted to have the player on their side, laugh even harder.)  
Casper: Hey! Stop laughin' at me!   
Player: (has stopped laughing) So you have made your choice: You must take a secondary  
base over by the time I have produced ten Carriers, or will destroy you.  
Dezular: Oh, come on, Player! Can't you at least kill him, send a couple of zealot delinquents a  
message? He wont be any help anyways!  
Casper: Hey!  
Player: No, I'm afraid not, although it would be fun...  
Casper: Hey!!  
Dezular: *sighs* Oh well.  
Player: Hey, maybe next time though!  
Casper: That's bet-HEY!!!! 


	2. Scene Two

Scene 2  
  
(Scene: Dezular, his zealots, Casper, and a Dark Templar the Player assigned to  
them are walking in silence towards a distant base inhabited by the Terran with  
sufficient minerals.)  
Casper: (trying to start a conversation) So, Dark Templar, what's your name?  
Zuljaar: Zuljaar.  
Casper: That's an interesting name, how'd you get it?  
(Silence)  
Casper: Well, that's interesting!  
(Silence)  
Casper: So....  
(Silence)  
Casper: Um...  
(Silence)  
Casper: Okay.   
(They walk on. The only sound is Casper's footsteps.)  
Casper: So, how come you guys don't make any sound when you walk?  
Dezular: Because we don't need to constantly flap our jaws, that's why.  
Casper: That's not what I meant.  
Dezular: (sultry voice)I know that, honey. Come here... (walks close to Casper and starts to rub his  
back)  
Casper: Ack!!! (tries to run from Dezular and trips over a rock. The zealots snicker, but Zuljaar is  
quiet.)  
Dezular: I'm just kidding. I would never go for you. In fact, if I were to go for any Terran, it  
would be one of those medics... Mmm. I would lick my lips if I had any.  
Casper: Grrrrrr! My girlfriend is... was a medic. She was... killed in an attack.  
Zealot 1: And I'm sure she was yummy.   
Casper: WHAT?!  
Zealot 1: You know: Bitchin'. A 'Hot Mama,' if you will. I'm sure she was built like a brick  
outhouse.  
Casper: Show a little respect, will ya?! The chick's dead!  
Zealot 2: Look, Casper. If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure you weren't the first– or the last–   
to have ...intimate relations... with her.  
Casper: What do you mean?  
Zealot 1: It's common knowledge that the medics are only female, Casper.  
Casper: So?  
Zealot 2: So do you have any idea why the medics would be all female?  
Casper: (doubtfully) Because it's a woman's job?  
Zealot 2: No, you sexist bitch, because the medics are there to... um... how can I put it? I know! They are there to help the soldiers feel more..... comfortable.   
Casper: Oh, I'M sexist now. How is it that the only Protoss chick in the game is the Matriarch?!   
Dezular: No, she wasn't. Tassadar was secretly a chick. Ever seen the movie Mulan?  
Casper: What? Oh, nevermind. Back to our old conversation: What do you mean?!  
Zuljaar: Isn't it obvious, you fool?! The medics are there to mate with the soldiers.   
Zealot 1: Don't be so insensitive, Zuljaar. Put it in terms this one can understand. Like...  
To 'get jiggy' with them! To 'party' with them! To do the 'Hibbity-Dibbity', to 'rock the Casba'.   
Casper: What? (looks confused)  
Zealot 2: Damn, you're a stupid shit. They are there to have sex with the marines! They are trained to not care what's put into 'em, as long as the soldier has better morale afterwards!   
Zuljaar: Aptly put, young warrior. When we accidentally mind-controlled one of them a couple missions ago, we all had a go at her.  
Casper: (looks sick) Hold on a sec, will you?  
(Casper disappears behind a bush. Vomiting noises ensue from it.)  
Dezular: So did you really... you know... with a terran?   
Zuljaar: Tsk, tsk, tsk. You see, young one, when you get to be my age, you start to understand that it's not  
who you do it with, it's not when you do it, its how much you do it before you die.   
Dezular: Ah.  
(Casper reemerges from behind the bush. He looks grossed out and embarrassed.)  
Casper: I forgot that I had my suit on. Anybody got a towel?  
(All the other units are grossed out now too.)  
Dezular: Gross, man! Here, use my shield generator and clean your damn suit! Don't want that  
thing stinking up the place. Nasty ass.  
(Later, after Casper cleaned out the chunks in his suit, he is engaged in a  
distinguished conversation with two of the zealots.)  
Casper: I'm telling you, there is no way a carrier could take out three battlecruisers, no matter  
how upgraded it is!  
Zealot 1: There is no way that less than five battlecruisers could take on a fully upgraded carrier and expect to win!  
Zealot 2: Yeah. The battlecruisers would all be stupid and attack the interceptors.  
Casper: Why would it only attack the interceptors? If I were a battlecruiser pilot, I think I could  
probably figure out to attack the carrier!  
Zealot 2: No you wouldn't. You never would have seen a carrier before, and never would attack  
the one thing that isn't attacking you.  
Casper: I would figure out when the interceptors kept on going back into the carrier to refill their  
guns! Besides, what makes you think I would never have seen a carrier before?  
Zealots 1 & 2: Because you would never survive the first encounter!  
Casper: Why you....  
(Casper pulls out his rifle. The zealots put up their dukes. They are about to go at  
it when Zuljaar lets out a raspy laugh.)  
Zuljaar: Foolish younglings! You are about to fight each other, yet you prepare for battle with the  
enemy. Save your energy for the foe, don't go wasting it on your childish squabbles.  
Zealot 2: How dare you!  
(The zealot starts to go towards Zuljaar. Zuljaar readies his psionic blade.)  
Zuljaar: You wanna fight me? Bring it on, bitch.  
Zealot 2: No, uh... I just wanted to tell you that... uh... your shoelace is untied!  
Zuljaar: Nice try. It wont work, though. It's been tried, and after about 6 times I wizened up. I  
don't wear shoes.  
(Casper snickers.)  
Zuljaar: You want to fight me, infidel? I could kill you so quick you wouldn't even know what  
happened before you were at the pearly gates.  
Casper: I thought Protoss didn't believe in heaven.  
Zuljaar: That's racism, sir, and I don't put up with racists.  
Casper: Sorry!  
Zuljaar: You better be. Racist bitch.  
Casper: (fiercly) What did you say?!  
Zuljaar: (turns on him) I said, racist bitch. You got a problem?  
Casper: (mollified) No, sir.  
Zuljaar: I thought not.  
Zealot 2: Saaaaaalty!  
(The group arrives at the Terran base)  
Dezular: Finally!  
Casper: Hey, I know this place! This is one of my old employers' bases! I could get us in, I think...  
All I would have to do is pretend you guys are my prisoners. I couldn't take you as you are,  
though, because it would look suspicious. I'm gonna have to dress you up as Zerg! Unfortunately,  
I only have one suit...  
(All the Protoss units look at each other.)  
Zuljaar: Not it!  
Zealots 1, 2 & 3: Not it!  
Dezular: Not it! Ah, crap. Oh well, it seems simple enough...  
(The remaining Protoss units snicker.)  
Casper: Alright, Dezular! It's just you and me. Here, take this....put it on like that.  
Dezular: Like this?  
Casper: No, not like that! No! Stop!   
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*  
Dezular: Oops.   
Casper: Don't worry, I have another plan.  
(Ten minutes later....)  
Casper: There! You look just like a POW!  
Dezular: I feel silly.  
Zealot 1: You look silly.  
Casper: You wont look so silly when you report to the Player and he gives you a raise!  
Dezular: I will in this.  
(Dezular is dressed in a rubber horse suit that is finger-painted, none too expertly,  
to look like a zergling.)  
Casper: Lets go, hoss.  
Dezular: Stop calling me that!  
(Casper pulls Dezular into the base, his rifle pointed at Dezular's head.)  
Casper: Hi, guys! It's me, Casper!  
Marine 1: Casper? Is that really you?  
Casper: Yep.  
Marine 2: But you were mind-controlled by the Protoss!  
Casper: Nope.  
Marine 2: So why is your suit a different color?  
Casper: Uh... an accident with a bucket of paint?  
Marine 1: But we were assured by a firebat that you were indeed taken!  
Casper: Who are you going to trust, some stupid firebat or your own eyes? Besides, I heard that that firebat   
call you a... a.... (says the first thing that pops into his head) A salty, racist bitch.   
Marine 2: That darn Gui Montag..... I'm gonna get him tonight in that bunker.  
Casper: O.....kay. Hey, look what I brought back with me!  
(Casper pulls Dezular into view.)  
Casper: Its a zerglin'!  
Marine 1: (dubiously) That's a zergling? Looks more like a guy in a rubber horse suit.  
Dezular: (falsetto) Screech, screech! (Runs around in a circle)  
Casper: See, it's a female zerglin'!  
Marine 1: There are no female zerglings. They are all male.  
Casper: Um........... It's a gay zerglin'.  
Marine 1: What?! A gay zergling?! What are you, stupid? Besides, that didn't even sound like a  
zergling! Sounded more like some guy yellin' "Screech screech" in a falsetto through a thick layer of  
rubber.  
Casper: No it didn't. It sounded exactly like a zergling, because this is a zergling and whatever  
sound it makes will be what a zergling sounds like!  
Marine 2: He's got a point.  
Casper: See? It's a bona fide zerglin'!   
(Casper kicks Dezular.)  
Dezular: Ow!  
Marine 1: What was that?  
Casper: What was what?  
Marine 1: That noise. It sounded like that zergling said "Ow!" Sounds like he's given up his  
falsetto, too.  
Dezular: (falsetto) No I haven't... I mean...screech! Ow! Stop kicking me, Casper!  
Marine 1: That does it. That is definitely not a zergling! Get 'em!  
(They point their guns at Casper.)  
Casper: Hey, why point the guns at me?! This zergling is the one who betrayed you! I really am  
Casper, and this (he points at Dezular) isn't Casper at all! And it's definitely not a zealot in a rubber horse suit, either.  
Marine 2: What?  
Marine 1: I don't care what you say, I know that is NOT a zergling!  
Casper: Wait, you're right!... This..... isn't a zergling... it, uh, kinda looks like a horse!  
Dezular: Uh, neigh?  
Casper: (thinking fast) Hey..... Blacky! How'd you get outta the barn? Git! Git, ya hear?  
(He smacks Dezular's rump)  
Dezular: Hey, watch it!  
Marine 2: You know, there is something suspicious going on! Stupid horse, die!  
(He shoots Dezular, who falls over. The marines point their weapons at Casper.)  
Casper: Ah, crap. No what am I going to tell Zuljaar and the others?.... ...oops.  
Marine 1: Who is Zuljaar?  
Casper: Um... Blacky's owner. Yeah, he'll be heartbroken. Hey! Watch where you're aimin' that  
thing! You almost hit me! HEY!  
(Suddenly, Dezular stands up and rips off his "disguise". His shield generator has  
stopped the bullets. The marines stop shooting at Casper in suprise.)  
Casper: Dezzy! You're ali.... I mean.... (feigning suprise) Hey, you!   
(Pointing at Dezular and backing away)   
Casper: You told me you weren't a zealot in a rubber horse suit! You swore it! Come on, Terran brothers, lets kill the Protoss spy!   
(Casper looks over at the marines slyly to see if they are buying it. They aren't.)  
Casper: Come on, guys.... Can we work something out? Um... I'll give you twenty bucks...  
(One of the marines yells and bursts into a splatter of blood. The other one looks  
over in suprise, then screams as he is sliced in half in one cleave. The blood is quickly absorbed by  
the dry, cracked earth. The intestines, however, remain.)  
Casper: Ew.  
Dezular: Zuljaar, what took you so long? I contacted you like ten minutes ago!  
Zuljaar: Oh, well, I got here on time, but I had to watch the show. Quite amusing.  
Casper: What do you mean, "contacted"?  
Dezular: Oh, I understand, but still, you might have sent something to me to let me know you  
were there.  
Zuljaar: Sorry. I was preoccupied with trying to keep from laughing out loud. Quite embarrassing,  
not fitting for a Templar at all.  
Casper: WHAT'S GOING ON?! Somebody fill me in!!  
Dezular & Zuljaar: Shut up!  
Casper: ............... Meanies.  
Dezular: Casper, don't think you're off the hook just because I haven't mentioned it yet! What was  
that about MY twenty bucks back there?!   
Casper: Uh..... nothing...  
Dezular: I thought so.  
Casper: So I can keep it?  
Dezular: Aha! You admit you have it!  
Casper: No, I admit nothing! Nothing!! Deny everything!  
Zuljaar: Ahem, guy who just saved your asses here!  
Dezular: Oh yeah, thanks a bunch.   
Casper: Yeah, thanks. But lets get outta here before the Terran realize that we are here and send  
more units.  
Zuljaar: But...  
Casper: (trying to imitate Dezular behind his hand) I agree. Lets go. En taru adun, nagatsul. My  
life for Auir. *&%$#)+@-%^!  
(Dezular and Zuljaar give him funny looks.)  
Casper: Well, come on, you heard him. Lets go!  
Dezular: (confused) Was that really me? I guess I need to take a vacation...  
Zuljaar: *sigh* We better follow him...he'll get lost if we don't. 


End file.
